tHaNk yOu ♥

mr & mrs curran for this beautiful tea towel by the wonderful rob ryan. There's no way it's going to be used, it's far too nice. It'll end up in a frame. Thanks guys and see you soon xxxx

because I'm worth it.......

Anyone know why there are sooooo many adverts for shampoo, conditioner, hair dye and mascara? No fun when you're bald and have stumps for eyelashes...........

petersham nursery

Mrs Geldart took me to Petersham Nursery last week. What a treat to see the beautiful blooms in the summer. It was very inspiring and lunch was lovely. Thanks Mole xxx

Radio bloody ga ga.............

Today I had my appointment with the radiotherapy team. I had a CT scan and several tattoos (which, for the record really hurt!!!!). This was my first opportunity to see the dates for my radio and talk through my options. All was going well until I requested hospital transportation to and from my appointments. It's summer holidays and it's very difficult to organise child care AND get to the hospital. My treatment starts on the 9th August and is every day till the 2nd September. The consultant lectured me on his budgets for transport and questioned why I needed it. ?%*$ !!!!! Obviously the last 4 months of chemotherapy and the terrible feeling of tiredness, fatigue and sickness count for nothing and I should be driving myself every day, after all, as he kindly told me, he lives further away from hospital than I do and he drives every day down the M25................ WHY DOESN'T HE GIVE ME A LIFT THEN AS HE'S DRIVING PAST MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!
After he upset me so much and I cried and cried he relented and the bus will pick me up to take my for my treatments. He was having a bad day and he took it out on me. I could do without it and I didn't deserve it. Thanks Mister, and have a nice weekend!

tHaNk yOu ♥

I received this fab magazine from the lovely Mr Pate. It has really great illustrations. And if anyone wants a poultry recipe I'm your lady. Thank you Mr P it's great x

The Race for Life

What an amazing day! The brave, wonderful, fabulous ladies and girls ran their socks off on sunday in the Race for Life in St Albans. It was such an emotional day watching hundreds and hundreds of women, dressed mostly in pink, running to support, and in memory of, their loved ones. Many a tear was shed and there was plenty of hugging.
Thank you to the fantastic band of friends who ran, supported and donated to such a wonderful cause. It was truly uplifting and I hope that next year I will be joining you around that lake and up that hill. Well done my beauties and my gorgeous little fluffy one xxxxxxxxxxxxx
(oh and the peck on the cheek from Mr Jean Christophe Novelli obviously rounded the day off perfectly ;-)

tHaNk yOu ♥

A big thank you to Mrs Littler for the orange fizzy energy AND the most delicious soup. It was perfect timing after a long day at the hospital.
You are very thoughtful, thank you xxx




My old friend Donna took time out of her busy textile lecturing schedule to visit me for a few hours. And she gave me these lovely things, a beautiful embroidery set and some fab vintage bits from Paris.
Thanks sweetheart, it was really good to see you xxx




Look at this lovely book Mrs Geldart gave me.
It appeals to my textile and pattern mind (and it comes with a secret CD.........Joy!)
It's lovely, thanks Mole xxx

hair today.............

I am completely bushed!!!!! I avoided hospital visits this weekend (yay!), partly, I think, because this week alongside my many many pills, I have also been prescribed antibiotics. I wonder if they've kept any lurgy/illness/virus at bay? Hell I don't care, the good thing is I've not been to hospital! However, I can't believe how much pain I am feeling in my bones and chest. I honestly look like a crumpled old lady walking upstairs. IT HURTS SO MUCH!!!!!! My old friend morphine has been with me all weekend and has allowed me a few hours rest. This week I will be mostly avoiding anyone with anything contagious................ :-)

The only good news I have to share is that my hair has started to grow back. I haven't gotten all excited and thought that I can once again go back to shampooing AND conditioning AND heavens forbid, using a hairdryer! Looking in the mirror I have at least 5mm of regrowth (like new baby hair) and that is a positive thing. My fluffy youngest stroked my head and asked if it's growing back now Mum, does that mean the cancer has gone? Sometimes I wish I could see life through the eyes of a child.

Recovery

Well that was a very long day. Got to hospital about 10am and had my bloods taken by the lovely Cathy. I then went for my appointment with the onchologist. Following a lengthy discussion about the last treatment and the effects, she decided I needed a CT scan on my lungs. This was a little scary as I've never had one before. You lie in on a bed whilst a dye is injected into your vein (yep my poor old veins are once again bruised) and then this circular, doughnut thing whizzes around you.
I then went back for the results to discover I have a nodule on my lung. I've been told to try not to worry about it (yeah, right!) and will have to go and have another scan when the effects of this chemo have subsided. It just seems to be one thing after another.
I was one of the last in the Big Blue Chair again and wasn't finished till late. I am extremely grateful to the kindness of the nursing staff and am in complete awe of their compassion and humour. You have helped me get through the last horrid months and I thank you for making it as pain-free as possible. Thanks guys xxx

It's the final countdown.........

It's time to face the Big Blue Chair for the final time. I'm off today for the last of my chemotherapy treatments (still no sign of a fluffy robe or slippers). It has been so tough and I just need to get through these next few weeks without getting ill. My poor old legs are very swollen and painful and am sporting some cracking bruises. Not the most comfortable or attractive they've ever been. I think I may have overdone it on the walking/standing this weekend (& I didn't even dance at the lovely party chez Salmon either!!!).
Bracing myself for my final cocktail and praying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. See you soon xx

tHaNk yOu ♥ ms webb

This popped through the letterbox yesterday from the lovely Linds. You are very sweet. It had made me giggle and I'm taking it to bed to laugh myself to sleep tonight. Thanks sweetheart xxxxx

the ex-brown room

We inherited a horrid brown room when we moved in. Dark brown gloss woodwork and coffee coloured walls (yeuch!!!). We've had it redecorated and it's now lovely and calm. I just don't know what to do with all of the surplus 'stuff' that's come out of there. Where do I put it all??????? Am enjoying the loveliness of it all until it gets shoehorned back in.............

tHaNk yOu ♥

Mr postie had a job posting all of these lovely cards through the letterbox. Thank you dear lovely chums at M&S. You made my day and made me smile and cry. It was a wonderful sight seeing them all on the floor. I miss you all so much. The tea making (or not eh Wozza?), the banter, the swearing (Brazel), the fun and chat. Hell, I even miss the odd swing tag and label design (are you on the case Mr Jerem?) I'll be home soon, keep my desk warm Juicey. xxxxxxxxxx

tHaNk yOu ♥ mrs hutchinson & ms duce

This made me cry when Mrs H sent it to me (and I didn't stop for a long time). Thanks for running in Trent Park the other weekend and helping to raise money to fight this horrid disease.
A big thank you to Ms Duce too, who ran the Race for Life up in Durham a couple of weekends ago.
I applaud you both, you're fab xxxx

that was the week that was.......

I've had what can best be described as the week from hell. I don't think I've ever cried that much, ever. It has been such an emotional week of tears and fears. My poor children witnessed both their parents letting it all out which was obviously very upsetting for them. All very stressful and gut-wrenching stuff. I really am struggling with this part of the treatment. Living with cancer means that everyday you encounter some bodily malfunction. This week has been all about my poor old bones. I kid you not when I say it's like having shin-splints or broken bones. It REALLY REALLY hurts. I waddle, rather walk and get stiff after sitting down. I really have lost my sense of humour and I being the queen of glib remarks have been at a loss for words these past few days. Not to be left out, today my eyes are taking a battering. As I have no eyelashes left it means that my eyes are sore, watering (not hayfever) and slightly swollen (too much crying?), either way they look like puffed up red pillows.
I have one week left before my last chemo. This should be a joyous occasion but I'm so terrified of it that I wish they'd postpone it for another week so that I could enjoy feeling a little more like me for a few days. I'm going to have that longest chat with the onchologist and plead with her to let me have a break.
I have been receiving reflexology (to help with relaxation) up at the Hospice of St Francis in Berkhamsted. I have to say she had her work cut out this week. My reflexologist performed a tiny miracle on me. She stroked and prodded and squeezed my feet till tears ran down my cheeks. I sobbed and sobbed until we ran out of tissues, I felt like one of those tiny tears dolls!
Following my treatment she made me a cup of tea and sat me in the Macmillan water garden. It was so peaceful and beautiful and I cried again.
Cancer has changed who I am and stripped me of who I was. I can't put into words how much time I spend thinking (the good the bad and the ugly) but I can't be brave all the time and there's only so much grinning and joke making I can do. I have a right to be angry and to let the tears flow. This week having cancer has taught me that I now have to look after me and focus on my beautiful family.
This week will mark my fluffy youngest's tenth birthday. What a beautiful, sensitive, creative little girl she is. Happy birthday to my lovely baby.
I also have a few nice (gentle) things to do with friends who are helping to take my mind off the torture that will follow the week after.............

another early morning

I'm sorry for writing all of this down but I can't hold it all in any longer and the braveness is diminishing. I've been awake since 4am (again) and it's not good. I got up at 5 and sat on the sofa wondering what to do with myself. Once my brain is awake it makes me think very sad and upsetting things. I've reached a terrible low living with this hideous disease. My poor body isn't coping with all that is being thrown at it and it hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before. I have tried smiling and laughing through all of this but now I've hit the wall. I no longer recognise myself in the mirror, and that in itself has been traumatic and destroying. When your self-esteem is rock-bottom it's hard to crack a joke and carry on.
I know I've only got one treatment left and I should soldier on but no-one knows how much that is going to hurt and how hideous those days that follow are. When your body is in pain and doesn't work properly it's the most terrifying thing anyone can experience.

another scary day

I've had another really scary time in hospital. I woke up at 4 with terrifying pains in my chest and didn't know what to do. Having two sleeping children in their beds I didn't phone the emergency but waited till they were up and got to Hemel Hospital, where they examined me and gave me an ecg. My poor kids were once again left looking scared as I was then transferred to Watford General. We are so grateful to Mr & Mrs Twelftree who came to our rescue. Thank you so much we really really appreciate (and a MASSIVE thank you you Mr T who came to pick them up from Watford and let them spend his Father's Day morning with him eating his choc (but not his jam) XXXXXXX)
I was given two more ecg's at Watford and put in a side room with suspected neutropenia. Again the battle to get blood out of me began. It was a hideous and painful ordeal. They ended up taking it out of my groin after my veins gave up (even my arteries gave up!!!). Following a chest x-ray and a nebuliser they then suspected I had a clot on my lung....... BEAM ME UP!!!! I spent nearly 8 hours lying in room listening to the wailing moans of an elderly gentleman who'd had enough and wanted out......I could quite happily have joined his screaming.
They discharged me last night with bad chest pains (probably down to the taxotere) So there goes another terrifying ordeal. Can't wait till the next treatment!!!!!!

Blimey

Well I seem to have dozed off and woken up on friday!!! What the hell happened to the few days in between? My poor old legs and back hurt so much, I feel about a hundred! Thank you to all who have popped in and phoned, I'm grateful to have you all as friends.
Going to fish out the morphine now as the other painkillers aren't touching it. A quiet day methinks, spent with the remote control.........