Wednesday, 30 June 2010

the ex-brown room

We inherited a horrid brown room when we moved in. Dark brown gloss woodwork and coffee coloured walls (yeuch!!!). We've had it redecorated and it's now lovely and calm. I just don't know what to do with all of the surplus 'stuff' that's come out of there. Where do I put it all??????? Am enjoying the loveliness of it all until it gets shoehorned back in.............

tHaNk yOu ♥

Mr postie had a job posting all of these lovely cards through the letterbox. Thank you dear lovely chums at M&S. You made my day and made me smile and cry. It was a wonderful sight seeing them all on the floor. I miss you all so much. The tea making (or not eh Wozza?), the banter, the swearing (Brazel), the fun and chat. Hell, I even miss the odd swing tag and label design (are you on the case Mr Jerem?) I'll be home soon, keep my desk warm Juicey. xxxxxxxxxx

tHaNk yOu ♥ mrs hutchinson & ms duce

This made me cry when Mrs H sent it to me (and I didn't stop for a long time). Thanks for running in Trent Park the other weekend and helping to raise money to fight this horrid disease.
A big thank you to Ms Duce too, who ran the Race for Life up in Durham a couple of weekends ago.
I applaud you both, you're fab xxxx

Sunday, 27 June 2010

that was the week that was.......

I've had what can best be described as the week from hell. I don't think I've ever cried that much, ever. It has been such an emotional week of tears and fears. My poor children witnessed both their parents letting it all out which was obviously very upsetting for them. All very stressful and gut-wrenching stuff. I really am struggling with this part of the treatment. Living with cancer means that everyday you encounter some bodily malfunction. This week has been all about my poor old bones. I kid you not when I say it's like having shin-splints or broken bones. It REALLY REALLY hurts. I waddle, rather walk and get stiff after sitting down. I really have lost my sense of humour and I being the queen of glib remarks have been at a loss for words these past few days. Not to be left out, today my eyes are taking a battering. As I have no eyelashes left it means that my eyes are sore, watering (not hayfever) and slightly swollen (too much crying?), either way they look like puffed up red pillows.
I have one week left before my last chemo. This should be a joyous occasion but I'm so terrified of it that I wish they'd postpone it for another week so that I could enjoy feeling a little more like me for a few days. I'm going to have that longest chat with the onchologist and plead with her to let me have a break.
I have been receiving reflexology (to help with relaxation) up at the Hospice of St Francis in Berkhamsted. I have to say she had her work cut out this week. My reflexologist performed a tiny miracle on me. She stroked and prodded and squeezed my feet till tears ran down my cheeks. I sobbed and sobbed until we ran out of tissues, I felt like one of those tiny tears dolls!
Following my treatment she made me a cup of tea and sat me in the Macmillan water garden. It was so peaceful and beautiful and I cried again.
Cancer has changed who I am and stripped me of who I was. I can't put into words how much time I spend thinking (the good the bad and the ugly) but I can't be brave all the time and there's only so much grinning and joke making I can do. I have a right to be angry and to let the tears flow. This week having cancer has taught me that I now have to look after me and focus on my beautiful family.
This week will mark my fluffy youngest's tenth birthday. What a beautiful, sensitive, creative little girl she is. Happy birthday to my lovely baby.
I also have a few nice (gentle) things to do with friends who are helping to take my mind off the torture that will follow the week after.............

Tuesday, 22 June 2010

another early morning

I'm sorry for writing all of this down but I can't hold it all in any longer and the braveness is diminishing. I've been awake since 4am (again) and it's not good. I got up at 5 and sat on the sofa wondering what to do with myself. Once my brain is awake it makes me think very sad and upsetting things. I've reached a terrible low living with this hideous disease. My poor body isn't coping with all that is being thrown at it and it hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before. I have tried smiling and laughing through all of this but now I've hit the wall. I no longer recognise myself in the mirror, and that in itself has been traumatic and destroying. When your self-esteem is rock-bottom it's hard to crack a joke and carry on.
I know I've only got one treatment left and I should soldier on but no-one knows how much that is going to hurt and how hideous those days that follow are. When your body is in pain and doesn't work properly it's the most terrifying thing anyone can experience.

Sunday, 20 June 2010

another scary day

I've had another really scary time in hospital. I woke up at 4 with terrifying pains in my chest and didn't know what to do. Having two sleeping children in their beds I didn't phone the emergency but waited till they were up and got to Hemel Hospital, where they examined me and gave me an ecg. My poor kids were once again left looking scared as I was then transferred to Watford General. We are so grateful to Mr & Mrs Twelftree who came to our rescue. Thank you so much we really really appreciate (and a MASSIVE thank you you Mr T who came to pick them up from Watford and let them spend his Father's Day morning with him eating his choc (but not his jam) XXXXXXX)
I was given two more ecg's at Watford and put in a side room with suspected neutropenia. Again the battle to get blood out of me began. It was a hideous and painful ordeal. They ended up taking it out of my groin after my veins gave up (even my arteries gave up!!!). Following a chest x-ray and a nebuliser they then suspected I had a clot on my lung....... BEAM ME UP!!!! I spent nearly 8 hours lying in room listening to the wailing moans of an elderly gentleman who'd had enough and wanted out......I could quite happily have joined his screaming.
They discharged me last night with bad chest pains (probably down to the taxotere) So there goes another terrifying ordeal. Can't wait till the next treatment!!!!!!

Friday, 18 June 2010


Well I seem to have dozed off and woken up on friday!!! What the hell happened to the few days in between? My poor old legs and back hurt so much, I feel about a hundred! Thank you to all who have popped in and phoned, I'm grateful to have you all as friends.
Going to fish out the morphine now as the other painkillers aren't touching it. A quiet day methinks, spent with the remote control.........

M on W day 27 (part 2) - Mrs Meanie

Thank you Mrs M for a delicious dish of Jamie's chicken, bean and sweetcorn bake. It was really really tasty and old Cheesie two portions lived up to his name again. Our large-haired eldest demolished the crumble too. Thanks it was lovely xx

M on W day 26 (part 2) - Mr Cheese (& nurse Cheese)

After a very very long day spent in the chemo suite with me, Mr Cheese and his lovely assistant Nurse Cheese whipped up a fantastic meal of Meatballs and pasta for a hungry crowd of Cheesies. It was wolfed down (especially by those greedy cheeselets who'd already had their tea!!!!!!). Top nosh Mr Cheese and a MASSIVE thank you to you both for taking me to my treatment and giving 'im indoors a much needed day off from hospital. Love you both xxxxx

Sunday, 13 June 2010

chemo - part 5

I'm off for another dose of the toxic stuff tomorrow. I'm hoping that they will go ahead with the treatment BUT there is a chance that they will delay it as I was so poorly with the last lot. I just want to get on with it and scratch it off the list.......... I'm eating a large bar of choc as I'm sure it'll boost my white blood cells (I'll just check with nurse Cheese). She and her nursing assistant Mr Cheese will be taking me to Mount Vernon tomorrow (giving my lovely husband a well-deserved break from it all) He ended up taking our large haired eldest to hospital on friday night with an asthma attack, poor boy. After a nebuliser, antibiotics and steroids he's fine and even managed to play in a football tournament today (they lost). I'll be introducing the lovely middle cheesies to the Big Blue Chair and maybe we'll go to the tuck and charity shops.
Thanks Mrs Littler for the mags and the orange fizzy energy (you are lovely).
Bye guys and see you in a day or two xxx

M on W day 25 (part 2) - Mrs Salmon

Thank you Mrs Salmon for the most delicious Spaghetti Bolognaise and garlic bread. All polished off and clean plates all round Mrs S. And a big thank you for the lovely banana cakes too. xxx

Friday, 11 June 2010

post it

Aren't these nice little post-it notes?

leaf post-its

a lovely brew

This is so beautiful

heart mug

M on W day 24 (part 2) - Mrs Doughty

Mrs D delivered a delicious chicken and pasta pesto dish with salad. Mr Cheese ate his regulation two portions (again). Thanks also for healthy and tasty strawberries and blueberries. It was just lovely xxx

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

rye (& hastings)

Thank you Julia for letting us stay in your beautiful house. Cath Kidston eat your heart out! It was just perfect and the weather was fab. Just what the doctor ordered. Thank you darling x

tHaNk yOu ♥

To the lovely person who sent the gorgeous orchid I received today. It's beautiful, and such a nice thing to receive on a horrid rainy day xxx

M on W day 23 (part 2) - Mrs Lewis

Thank you Mrs L for the tastiest meatballs and tagliatelli. and garlic bread, all polished off in minutes!!! The brownies are lovely BUT the plum and almond tart.........OMG! (as they say in teenland!) Crikey, that was delicious. Thanks lovely x

M on W day 22 (part 2) - Mrs Riches

Oh lovely Mrs Riches, thank you for a huge meal. Delicious asparagus & bacon quiche (for the grown-ups) and toad in the hole (for the cheeselets). Clean plates Mrs R. Thanks for the cheesecakes and the most amazing little chocolate cakes.......YUM!!!!!!

Monday, 7 June 2010

tHaNk yOu ♥

Mrs Brown left a beautiful gift on my doorstep a few days ago. She made this stunning ceramic bowl and I love it. Thank you so much Kate, it's lovely. xxx

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

glad to be home

I was discharged from hospital last night after an extended stay in ward 11 at Mount Vernon hospital. After my chemo on Monday I had terrible pains in my body but reassured myself that it was to be expected with the first treatment of taxitere (I'd read all the leaflets & heard the ladies in the waiting room recall their own personal, terrifying ordeals). However, when Saturday came and I felt worse, I knew it was perhaps a little more serious. I was admitted and diagnosed with neutropenia. This is where your white blood cells are too low and therefore you are prone to infection. I had picked up a 'flu' type virus and it had attacked my weak and fragile immune system. I was a crying heap on the bed. Every bone in my body hurt and I didn't know what to do with myself. I was given IV fluids, antibiotics, morphine and machines that go 'bing'. All this must have been very scary for Mr Cheese as he felt totally helpless, watching me sob that I couldn't take anymore. I couldn't have got through it all without him at my side. Thank you P ♥
It was a happy coincidence that my lovely cheeselets were whisked away to London town for the weekend by their wonderful auntie and uncle. They spent a great weekend being spoilt rotten by two aunts, two uncles and dear old granddad, sharing the booty with their two lovely cousins. They had a fab time and they haven't let any secrets out auntie L.............xxxxxx
Once again my admiration for nursing staff has reached an all-time high. What an amazing band of polite, professional, funny and warm people. They were just fantastic, thank you everyone.
Thank you all my dear friends for your lovely messages over the weekend. You helped cheer me up through a very tough few days xx
I'm glad to be home and I never want to have to go through that agony again.........