H E L L O

Well here I am again!

I have had my ups and my (very) many downs after this op.

My 'Flap' isn't quite healed but they have given me a temporary soft new boob to stuff into my bra so it balances up.  I was starting to walk sideways as was weighed down to the right.......! I will NOT be doing YMCA or Agadoo just in case the boob jumps out and causes injury to others ('Have you been hurt or injured at a wedding disco by low-flying cotton prosthesis - then call 555 B00B).  I go back to hospital next week to be fitted for a silicon breast.  I have been told these are VERY expensive and I need to look after it properly.  I'll make it a little box to sleep in at night time and read it a story!?!*&^!>?!@(

The poor old flap is a bit 'flappy', so it will need several fat filling injections taken from my stomach.  I'm now on the the list for lipo.  I am turning into a plastic surgery junkie. 
Stop me when I go for the trout pout!!!!

My leg scar is MASSIVE so my bikini-wearing days are over (sorry fellas)!  I can cover it with a big boy-leg-sarong-beach tent when I go on my hols. I know you're laughing at the thought of S U M M E R......How ridiculous! 
*reaches for the central heating button*

Well off to take Miss Cheese for an MRI now.  She's going to be brave and I will hold her hand.

Stay dry and wrap up warm

xx

By the 'eck!

I'm well and truly knackered!

It's really taken it out of me......

Even cake and chocolate medicine aren't working.

I'm swollen, sore and sweary!

I can't even sit in the garden because it's p***ing down!!!!

I'm watching the men's finals on my laptop in bed tomorrow.

*note to self - remember to put bell on bedside table to ring down for refreshments*

Recovery

I'm back at home and in my own bed!
I think I may have underestimated the gravity of this operation :(

I'm so sore and I'm so very sad I had to have it.

Glad to be home with my family and I look forward to being up and about in the blink of battered old lady's eye*

Here's a view from my bed.......and the rather raunchy bed stockings I have to wear (form an orderly queue fellas!!!) and a medal for courage from Mrs B!

I don't have a tv in my bedroom.......

maybe I should've cashed in the A&E loyalty points for one!

I'm still here reading and perusing all that blogland has to offer x

ps update on Large-haired eldest - he has big blue plaster cast and has refused to let me sign it as it's uncool!!!

*mine!

lumps + bumps = scared

Last week was so tiring. I found another lump in my breast and have been beside myself with worry. So on tuesday I had a consultation and an ultrasound scan.
They were 'convinced' it was a large oedema, which was probably caused by radiotherapy. However, 2 days later they called back having reviewed the scan. They're keeping an eye on it for a week as it's in a new place.
Mmmmmmmm is this the same eye they kept on me for 4 years and I still got cancer??????
It's extremely painful and very tender. OUCH!!!! I've also done my back in and as I stumbled into the room she remarked on it. So on wednesday I've got to go for a bone scan and MRI. Apparently I'll be radioactive, so if you see a glow it'll be me, the readybrek kid!
All of this has left me tearful and scared. All I want to do is move on and get on with life..............

This Bloody disease sucks!

hospiital (the appointment)

I cried and cried and cried at my appointment.
I don't think they knew what to do with the
crumpled heap before them.
The senior Macmillan breast care nurse was summonsed.
Armed with tissues she said that pain management and frequent mammograms and appointments are essential.
Unfortunately due to the fact I had 3 operations and hadn't healed before chemo my poor old breast has been damaged.
I am also being referred for counselling and therapy
(Mrs Cheese has finally crumbled and nobody like a crumbly cheese!!)
I am also on a waiting list for genetic testing.
All of this has made my head spin..............
am tired today!

hospital

Tomorrow I go back to hospital to talk through why,
after all my operations and treatment, I'm still living
with pain in my breast. I would like nothing better
than to move on but with this hideous pain
I'm trapped. I live in fear that with every ache
the evil thing has gone somewhere else and spread it's
nastiness to another part of me and that is so
awful to live with.

tamoxifen - the truth

I have to take tamoxifen (1 a day) for the next 5 years. This is a preventative measure as it shuts down oestrogen production and therefore lessens the risk of further tumours in the breast. However, there are quite a few unpleasant side effects, which are unbearable.
Every night I wake up sweating and cannot cool down. I therefore have trouble getting back to sleep and always wake up feeling crap. It has brought on the menopause and I wasn't quite ready for that after everything I've been through. Crikey my mood swings are massive! No wonder I found myself crying at X-Factor and I'm a Celebrity........put it down to the medication!!!
Weight gain; what the *@/K! It's just not fair. I'm not eating any more than I used to but everything's a bit snug. God help me after Christmas lunch.......bring on the elasticated slacks!
The terrifying list of side effects includes; permanent eye problems, risk of clotting, depression, extreme tiredness, headaches, ulcers, vomiting, hair-loss (give me a break!) and increased risk of cancer in the uterus..............What the......!!!!!!
So if I start shouting/crying/screaming/passing-out/laughing hysterically/wearing granny trousers, please give me a wide-berth and a knowing smile.
Oh and I won't even go into the listed side effects of the 6 months antibiotics - "a black hairy tongue", I kid you not!!!! (I don't have one but if I do do you think I could shave/wax it?)

Lovely Macmillan nurse

I've just had confirmation that I have lymphoedema. It is mainly in my breast and it has also promoted an infection. I've been prescribed antibiotics for 6 weeks, and, depending on how I get on, possibly 6 months to a year of them. I will also have to have physio to help with drainage. All in all a very painful thing. Haven't been feeling too great the last few days but tried to shrug it off. Now I know why!!!!

lymphoedema

Grrrrrrr! I have developed a swollen hand and fingers and am in some pain. It looks likely that it's lymphoedema. All my lymph nodes were taken out of my left arm as they contained cancer cells which means I have to be extra careful with that arm (no blood pressure taken, no bloods ever again and extra care not to burn or cut it), however, something has happened to it and it really started to hurt a few days ago and my fingers look like fat sausages. Just another hurdle to get over........Ouch! Am hoping the nice Macmillan nurse will see me today and advise me.

ups and downs

I had to go to hospital today for what I thought was a routine consultation with my surgeon as I'm experiencing quite a lot of pain in my affected breast. After the consultation he sent me for mammograms OUCH!!!! (3 on each side) and ultrasounds. This brought back many painful memories (it'll be a year tomorrow since I had the awful tests which led to my diagnosis in December). The radiology sister spoke to me afterwards and hugged me as she remembered how difficult it was for me last time. I couldn't help but cry. I seem to have a large hard area of tissue they're not sure about. The healing hasn't been helped by the radiotherapy so I have to go back in a couple of months by which time the swelling will have subsided and they can decide whether I will need further surgery.
A migraine decided to attack me whilst having my mammogram and I'm grateful to the kind radiologist who plied me with painkillers and sat me quietly on my own until the flashing lights had stopped. I attended my 'Cancer, the next stage' course later on and on entering the room I burst into tears. An emotional day and I thank the lovely ladies for getting me through it. Thanks girls x

oncology and beyond

Yesterday I had my appointment with my oncologist (he's a wonderfully odd character). After exchanging stories of holidaying in Lllandudno as kids we got down to the business of my cancer treatment. I had a thorough examination and went through all the ups and downs (mostly downs) of chemo and radio. When we sat back at the desk I asked the million dollar question, 'has it worked?'. His answer was honest and blunt, 'we don't know and all we can do is monitor you, I can never tell anyone they are 'cured'. This has left me feeling more in limbo than ever before. I am having genetic testing and have discussed a bi-lateral masectomy and ovary removal once we have the results. I cannot live the rest of my life looking at this nasty thing sitting on my shoulder, I need to be in control and enjoy the life I've got. This has been a tough journey and just to add to my misery, I've got a chest infection...........I must have been a very naughty Cheese in a previous life!

scanarama

Today I get a CT scan at Mount Vernon. So nervous!!!!! Let's hope there's nothing sinister hiding in there and it's all tickety boo! I then have an oncology appointment on Tuesday, where I will be asking hundreds of questions. My sister is having the test for the BRCA 1 gene and the likelihood is that we both carry it (looking at our family history). This will further add to my anxieties as I will have to think long and hard about preventative surgery. Again it's a stressful time (not helped by a hideous cold) but as ever I'm trying to remain positive.
3 days out without headgear now, that's a milestone in itself!

scarfless

Saturday marked the first day without my trusted headgear. I've grown so fed up of wearing scarves and decided Berkhamsted was ready to receive my GI Jane skinhead. This was a major occasion for me and I hope I didn't scare everyone at the Bragg's party. I feel very brave for venturing out without my security blanket and today I even went out in daylight without it. I guess I just have to get used to people staring.

tired and sore

Since finishing my tanning sessions at the spa I've tried to rest. My poor old breast has come out of it the worst for wear. The radio has opened up my scars and I'm having to put dressings on every day. It's so sore that it feels as though I've gone back several months to when I wasn't healing after the operations. Poor old boob, it has been through such a lot. Tomorrow, just to add to my stress, I'm having a scan on my ovaries. I'm having a lot of pain and to be on the safe side they're checking everything is ok. Unfortunately when you have oestrogen fed breast cancer it can affect your ovaries and I've since learned that the chances of the breast cancer returning are also high. Cheery isn't it? After 6 months of intensive treatment I'm still nowhere near the end of the worrying chapter. I now feel like I'm in limbo. I'm still waiting to find out that the chemo and radio have worked and that the cancer has gone. 6 weeks of worrying and fretting now lie before me and I'll have chewed off the remainder of the stumpy, bumpy nails chemo left me with. Yesterday a migraine hit me like a sledgehammer out of nowhere. I didn't ask for that! Could be a case of hormone overload(the tamoxifen)/the costa cappuccino/the remnants of radiotherapy/or just plain knackeredness. Today I have been sofa-bound listening to radio 2 (not ga ga) and generally flopping about. My poor old head feels like it's been through a mangle and I feel fuzzy. I'm off to the Hospice of St Francis later for reflexology. And relax!

hair today.............

I am completely bushed!!!!! I avoided hospital visits this weekend (yay!), partly, I think, because this week alongside my many many pills, I have also been prescribed antibiotics. I wonder if they've kept any lurgy/illness/virus at bay? Hell I don't care, the good thing is I've not been to hospital! However, I can't believe how much pain I am feeling in my bones and chest. I honestly look like a crumpled old lady walking upstairs. IT HURTS SO MUCH!!!!!! My old friend morphine has been with me all weekend and has allowed me a few hours rest. This week I will be mostly avoiding anyone with anything contagious................ :-)

The only good news I have to share is that my hair has started to grow back. I haven't gotten all excited and thought that I can once again go back to shampooing AND conditioning AND heavens forbid, using a hairdryer! Looking in the mirror I have at least 5mm of regrowth (like new baby hair) and that is a positive thing. My fluffy youngest stroked my head and asked if it's growing back now Mum, does that mean the cancer has gone? Sometimes I wish I could see life through the eyes of a child.

that was the week that was.......

I've had what can best be described as the week from hell. I don't think I've ever cried that much, ever. It has been such an emotional week of tears and fears. My poor children witnessed both their parents letting it all out which was obviously very upsetting for them. All very stressful and gut-wrenching stuff. I really am struggling with this part of the treatment. Living with cancer means that everyday you encounter some bodily malfunction. This week has been all about my poor old bones. I kid you not when I say it's like having shin-splints or broken bones. It REALLY REALLY hurts. I waddle, rather walk and get stiff after sitting down. I really have lost my sense of humour and I being the queen of glib remarks have been at a loss for words these past few days. Not to be left out, today my eyes are taking a battering. As I have no eyelashes left it means that my eyes are sore, watering (not hayfever) and slightly swollen (too much crying?), either way they look like puffed up red pillows.
I have one week left before my last chemo. This should be a joyous occasion but I'm so terrified of it that I wish they'd postpone it for another week so that I could enjoy feeling a little more like me for a few days. I'm going to have that longest chat with the onchologist and plead with her to let me have a break.
I have been receiving reflexology (to help with relaxation) up at the Hospice of St Francis in Berkhamsted. I have to say she had her work cut out this week. My reflexologist performed a tiny miracle on me. She stroked and prodded and squeezed my feet till tears ran down my cheeks. I sobbed and sobbed until we ran out of tissues, I felt like one of those tiny tears dolls!
Following my treatment she made me a cup of tea and sat me in the Macmillan water garden. It was so peaceful and beautiful and I cried again.
Cancer has changed who I am and stripped me of who I was. I can't put into words how much time I spend thinking (the good the bad and the ugly) but I can't be brave all the time and there's only so much grinning and joke making I can do. I have a right to be angry and to let the tears flow. This week having cancer has taught me that I now have to look after me and focus on my beautiful family.
This week will mark my fluffy youngest's tenth birthday. What a beautiful, sensitive, creative little girl she is. Happy birthday to my lovely baby.
I also have a few nice (gentle) things to do with friends who are helping to take my mind off the torture that will follow the week after.............

Blimey

Well I seem to have dozed off and woken up on friday!!! What the hell happened to the few days in between? My poor old legs and back hurt so much, I feel about a hundred! Thank you to all who have popped in and phoned, I'm grateful to have you all as friends.
Going to fish out the morphine now as the other painkillers aren't touching it. A quiet day methinks, spent with the remote control.........

chemo 4 - the pain

Hadn't expected the pain to hurt this much. My legs, arms, shoulders and back are agony. I had a terrible night so have taken to my bed today. Please make it stop soon..........

Waiting...........

I had a crap night. My face is the colour of a beetroot and I'm VERY hot. It's probably all the toxins floating around my system. My lovely husband tried to do my jab yesterday but the worried look on his face sent my alarm bells ringing. I took it off him and did it myself. Am waiting for the hideous pain I've been warned about to kick in. Am now back in bed and will try to get some rest (if the steroids stop buzzing around my poor body) x