I've had what can best be described as the week from hell. I don't think I've ever cried that much, ever. It has been such an emotional week of tears and fears. My poor children witnessed both their parents letting it all out which was obviously very upsetting for them. All very stressful and gut-wrenching stuff. I really am struggling with this part of the treatment. Living with cancer means that everyday you encounter some bodily malfunction. This week has been all about my poor old bones. I kid you not when I say it's like having shin-splints or broken bones. It REALLY REALLY hurts. I waddle, rather walk and get stiff after sitting down. I really have lost my sense of humour and I being the queen of glib remarks have been at a loss for words these past few days. Not to be left out, today my eyes are taking a battering. As I have no eyelashes left it means that my eyes are sore, watering (not hayfever) and slightly swollen (too much crying?), either way they look like puffed up red pillows.
I have one week left before my last chemo. This should be a joyous occasion but I'm so terrified of it that I wish they'd postpone it for another week so that I could enjoy feeling a little more like me for a few days. I'm going to have that longest chat with the onchologist and plead with her to let me have a break.
I have been receiving reflexology (to help with relaxation) up at the Hospice of St Francis in Berkhamsted. I have to say she had her work cut out this week. My reflexologist performed a tiny miracle on me. She stroked and prodded and squeezed my feet till tears ran down my cheeks. I sobbed and sobbed until we ran out of tissues, I felt like one of those tiny tears dolls!
Following my treatment she made me a cup of tea and sat me in the Macmillan water garden. It was so peaceful and beautiful and I cried again.
Cancer has changed who I am and stripped me of who I was. I can't put into words how much time I spend thinking (the good the bad and the ugly) but I can't be brave all the time and there's only so much grinning and joke making I can do. I have a right to be angry and to let the tears flow. This week having cancer has taught me that I now have to look after me and focus on my beautiful family.
This week will mark my fluffy youngest's tenth birthday. What a beautiful, sensitive, creative little girl she is. Happy birthday to my lovely baby.
I also have a few nice (gentle) things to do with friends who are helping to take my mind off the torture that will follow the week after.............
My lovely, beautiful Nerys, you have every right to feel anything that gets you through this. Do whatever you have to do and, however grim, we will all love you even more. You are amazing and inspirational, and very good at making me cry with your bravery and your honesty.
ReplyDeleteThe fluffy youngest is certainly beautiful, sensitive and creative, and she is also funny, fiesty and very sweet - all of these she gets from her mother! Happy Birthday Miss Cheese and a happier week to you my love. Take great care and lots and lots of love and hugs come from the Browns to you. xxxx
Reading this has made Michelle and I both cry. Your writing is eloquent and honest and gives an insight into yours and Paul's lives at the moment. We are thinking about you all the time and are looking forward to when the treatment is finally over and some kind of normality can return to you all.
ReplyDeleteLot and lots of love from us all XXXX