another early morning

I'm sorry for writing all of this down but I can't hold it all in any longer and the braveness is diminishing. I've been awake since 4am (again) and it's not good. I got up at 5 and sat on the sofa wondering what to do with myself. Once my brain is awake it makes me think very sad and upsetting things. I've reached a terrible low living with this hideous disease. My poor body isn't coping with all that is being thrown at it and it hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before. I have tried smiling and laughing through all of this but now I've hit the wall. I no longer recognise myself in the mirror, and that in itself has been traumatic and destroying. When your self-esteem is rock-bottom it's hard to crack a joke and carry on.
I know I've only got one treatment left and I should soldier on but no-one knows how much that is going to hurt and how hideous those days that follow are. When your body is in pain and doesn't work properly it's the most terrifying thing anyone can experience.